I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
