My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize