It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
