Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
