the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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