Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
