I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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