we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
