he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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