So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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