youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Enjoy the penises
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
