Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
