So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Randomize
