I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Randomize
