i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
