i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
