i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize