My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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