The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
