Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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