we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
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