Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
