I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
