Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize