today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
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