I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Randomize
