Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I fill condoms, not promises.
This is my gift to your gina
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
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