Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
