The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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