Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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