there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
