Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
