Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
