I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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