I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
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