watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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