i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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