They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
