I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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