My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Randomize
