I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
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