If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize