I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Randomize
