I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
