The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
