Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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