i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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