I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
