I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
