Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
