My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
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