Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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