Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
