woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Randomize
