nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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