I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
