genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
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