i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Randomize
