All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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