Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I want to have your abortion
i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
