I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Randomize