I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
there is glitter all over my balls
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
