Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize
