pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
