At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
a search helicopter?!
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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