i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
