When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
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