my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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