Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
