I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
