I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
