Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
what day is it and did you see me today?
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
