Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
